Backgiveness - More than forgiveness
This might sound very strange and unusual:
Practice more backgiveness instead of forgiveness.
Everybody preaches forgiveness!
Once we’ve heard it we repeat it over and over again. That’s easy because we don’t have to make up our own mind. When everybody says it, it becomes a rule, a truth. I’m sure that great souls like Dalai Lama or Paramahansa Yogananda live and lived forgiveness in a different way than the big crowd does.
I’m aware of the risk of being misunderstood by many people when I write this article, but it’s worth it. So, I’d like to invite you to read with an open mind and honest self-observance.
What do we mean by forgiveness?
What is it exactly?
I’m sure the answer to these questions is very individual. What I observe day by day is that once you have to preach something good over and over again, something very important is missing. Otherwise we would live it more in our everyday life.
Why is a person unable to live this good quality?
Have you ever asked this question?
What is the blind spot that makes us using the same words over and over again without putting them into action?
My first point is:
Forgiveness as it is lived in everyday life in the modern world means to me that I first judge the person or the situation I want to forgive. After that I ask myself: Can I forgive? Then the decision follows.
But: Who am I to judge!?
That makes me taller than the other person or the situation itself?!
Would it not be better to go beyond judgment?
To go to this point where forgiveness is not needed anymore?
In my opinion this would create a more equal level between perpetrator and victim and thus a greater chance to balance the situation. Nobody likes to be looked down on!
My second point is:
Forgiveness in many cases means that the person who has been hurt takes one part of the responsibility that she or he has not got. Thus they take a part of the guilt as well and carry a load that they are not responsible for.
I'll give you an example.
I have a lot of clients who have been abused: physically, emotionally or verbally. They come into my practice crying and punishing themselves that they are not capable to forgive. They have been hurt in the past, now they keep on hurting themselves in the present and probably in the future. They are carrying the load of the situation they went through. Even though they are the victim they feel guilty! The responsibility is in their hands instead of being in the hands of the perpetrator.
What gives them a feeling of relief is when we first create a secured space in which they can speak out loud what hurt most. To make it even more intensive I invite them to bring this person into this room by imagination and give him or her one’s own place.
After that I ask them how they feel, how the other one feels. That allows both of us to get more information and maybe a different point of view on a situation that takes place in their mind over and over again in a certain frozen pattern.
After that the client tells the truth.
This is very important! When we have got the opportunity to speak out loud what happened and how we felt we make the very first step into our own healing process because our own suffering gets a rightful place - outside ourselves!
After that I ask the client how the perpetrator reacts. INDEPENDENT from his or her reaction I tell the client to leave all the responsibility for the abuse to the perpetrator and to give back what does not belong to him or herself. By doing this the perpetrator gets back the opportunity to stand to one’s own guilt and to feel sorry – or not sorry. But the victim is free because he or she is not responsible for the actions and decisions of the other person. The victim has the possibility to withdraw and make the best out of one’s life.
That means real freedom!
This is the freedom of backgiveness!
The victim doesn’t have to carry the load of making the decision whether being able to forgive or not. Backgiveness is a place where forgiveness is not needed any more because judgment doesn’t get a chance.
For those who see abuse from the spiritual point of view it might seem wrong because they know that on a soul level these two souls made an agreement with each other to grow. They forget that on the soul level there are different rules than on the physical level.
Different levels need different healing.
When you tell the victims at the wrong time that there was an agreement of the souls it hurts even more on the physical level. This doesn’t help at all at this moment! As soon as the client is through this healing process this might change. Then it doesn’t hurt anymore and the deeper truth can emerge to the surface. |
